Avoiding The Guide To My Heart's Desire

By Bill Harley

In our first book, Jean and I tell a brief version of the following story of my search for meaning in the U. S. Army as a young man during the Vietnam War.  It’s an example of how we can unintentionally rebuff the guiding forces God is sending our way.  

On my first day of basic training at Fort Polk, Louisiana, the drill sergeants poked through all of the new recruits’ belongings and took away all contraband—weapons, drugs, etc.  For some reason, they also took away all of my paperback books—classics of English and American literature that I was hoping to read to keep my brain and spirit alive during the dreary rigors of training. 

I was left with only a Bible that was handed to me as I arrived earlier in the day by a Gideon at the Fort Polk airport.  On the spot, I determined to use the following six months of military and medical training to study the Bible and better understand the meaning and purpose of life.  In retrospect, I wish that the first verse I had studied had been Hebrews 13:2 which reads: “Be not forgetful to love strangers for thereby some have loved angels unaware.”

As training commenced, I began a process of reading segments of the Bible each day starting from the first page.  I continued this practice through the whole six month training cycle and read through the entire Bible more than once.  While my body was going through the training, my mind and heart were mostly ruminating on the Biblical themes.  

The drill sergeant for our company of soldiers was a hard-nosed, battle-hardened, southern man who could be funny at times, but was also tough as nails.  The first recruit he referred to by name was a soldier from Florida named Michael, but who the drill sergeant called Flower Child.  Michael had arrived at training with long hair, dressed as a hippie and hence the nickname.  After we got our Army haircuts, we all looked the same; but the drill sergeant persisted in calling him Flower Child and the name stuck.

Flower Child was low key and unassuming.  Nevertheless, I noticed he would regularly get approval for leaves from duty and attending off-base activities.  I resented his ability to get short “vacations” from the relentless regimentation of training and quickly concluded that he had figured out how to “game” the system.  I felt disgust with the special treatment Flower Child received and avoided his company whenever possible; and when not possible, even when he reached out to me several times, I treated him with impatience.

As the months passed, my study of the Old and New Testaments intensified.  I was increasingly filled with excitement—both Testaments expressed a strong expectation of the return and a fulfillment effecting both the individual and society as a whole.  I was convinced that there was something new in the world that I needed to discover.  

As the 6-month period of training was drawing to a close, the intensity of my search for meaning grew exponentially.  I felt that I needed to complete my search before the end of training or I would never get time to complete it again.  With only two weeks left of training, I was nearing panic in my search for a breakthrough.  I was praying several times a day to God saying, “Please give me a sign—any sign at all—to guide me to the truth and fulfillment I seek.”

Then one evening after completing medical training, I was alone in the barracks when Flower Child walked through the door, made a b-line toward me and suggested we go to dinner together.  I was about to decline when the words of my “Please give me a sign—any sign” prayer echoed in my head.  So I said, “Sure, give me a minute and I’ll be ready to go.”  

It was during that dinner that Flower Child guided me to all of the answers I had been seeking.  Also during that dinner, I began calling him Michael and realized I had completely misread him.  What I had thought was his gaming of the system was really his practice of devotion to a great and noble spiritual cause.  The person I had treated as a stranger and enemy was really a friend.  The person I had tried to avoid and keep at arm’s length was actually a guide who persisted in approaching me until I had struggled and grown enough to allow him to usher me to my heart’s desire.  Now, the Biblical admonition throbbed with life: “Be not forgetful to love strangers for thereby some have loved angels unaware.”

These guiding dynamics are not unique to me.  All of us experience them, but we often miss them because the perceptions and assumptions to which we are attached blind our eyes and plug our ears.  That person you hurried past today who tried to get your attention may have been the guide sent to usher you to your heart’s desire.  To better understand and manage these dynamics, read our first book, Now That I’m Here, What Should I Be Doing?  To get better at making decisions that take these dynamics into account, read our second book, TRANSFORMED: How to Make the Decisions That Change Your Life.

Improve Your Communication Skills By Getting Your Life On Purpose

By Bill Harley

When most of us communicate, we concentrate on our communication content—the intellectually graspable dimension of our communication transmissions to others.  For example, “Good Morning”; “I like your outfit”; “I appreciate all that you do”.  All three communications are intellectually graspable in terms of transmitting the dictionary definitions of the words.

However, our relational communication has a greater impact on people than does our content communication—and most of us are unaware that we are sending it out to people.  Relational communication is subjective and emotional; and it surrounds all content communication like chocolate surrounds a thin mint.  It conveys to the recipient answers to questions such as “How does the sender view our relationship?  What does the sender think of me?  What is the underlying message?  What is the sender really saying about me?”

Relational communication has three key characteristics:

1. What you truly think, believe or feel leaks out in your relational communication—you can’t hide it.  This means, in terms of the three communications in the first paragraph, that if you have negative thoughts, beliefs or feelings about the day, the outfit, or the other person, they will leak out and contradict your content communication.

2. Relational communication is always more important to humans than content communication.  So if your content communication and relational communication are not in alignment, your relational message will overwhelm your content message in the mind of the other person.

3. You are communicating at the relational level 100% of the time—even saying nothing (i.e., conveying no content) to the other person is a relational message.

To be more successful in our communication at home, in our work, and in the community, we need to start managing our relational communication at least as much as we do our content communication.  This means that we need to make sure our thinking, believing and feeling about people and situations we encounter are healthy—because they will leak out.  

We can work on this incrementally; but to simplify the task, we can align our lives with the true purposes of life and start noticing and using the spiritual, social and intellectual growth patterns designed into life by the Creator.  When we do, our relational communication automatically becomes healthy. 

For example, if we are aware that one of the three ultimate purposes of our life on earth is to carry forward an ever-advancing civilization, it changes our perception about every situation and person we encounter each day.  Every situation and person becomes an opportunity to strengthen connection, build community, address a need, share encouragement, or resolve a problem in a way that advances rather than impedes civilization—and to do it in our own unique way.  This perspective makes our thinking, believing and feeling about ourselves, other people, and the situations in our life increasingly healthy—and our relational communication automatically gets healthier too.

As another example, when we realize that every situation and person we encounter is part of our own unique, tailor-made spiritual, social and intellectual growth curriculum delivered to us by our Creator, it changes our attitude about people and things in life that may obstruct, resist, challenge or even welcome us.  We start to recognize these repeating patterns as opportunities for us and the other person to grow rather than win or lose.  Also, this automatically makes our relational communication healthier because we start to think, believe and feel that all these forces—positive or negative—represent opportunities to collaboratively accelerate our growth both individually and collectively.

For a deeper exploration of these ideas and practices, see Jean’s and my first book, Now That I’m Here, What Should I Be Doing?  For a deeper exploration of how to make transformative, collaborative decisions with others while maintaining healthy relational communication, see our second book, TRANSFORMED: How to Make the Decisions That Change Your Life.

Having Unity In Implementing Decisions

By Bill Harley

Why do so many decisions needed in the world not get made?  And when they do get made, why do they so often fail to effectively address the issue?

Unity is too often the “empty chair” around the decision-making table.  Many decisions that need to be made in the world don’t get made because the parties to the discussion are so dis-unified that they can’t even agree on the terms for the discussion.

Sometimes, decisions actually get made, but the disunity during the discussion is so intense and intractable that the resulting decision ends-up failing to adequately address the issue.  In effect, the decision “kicks the can down the road” for others to address at a later time.

And sometimes, decisions get made that effectively address the issue in many respects, but the disunity generated by the decision-making process leads to an aftermath where the decision gets attacked and undermined by some of the participants in the decision-making process.  The uneven support given to the decision during implementation leads to its failure in addressing the issue.

One of the behavioral standards of Compassionate Consultation (CC)—the revolutionary decision-making process for the 21st Century and beyond—is Having Unity in Implementing Decisions.  When the deliberating members commit to this standard of behavior, it means that once the decision is made—whether unanimously or by a narrow majority vote—all the members commit to whole-heartedly supporting the decision in word and deed.  

The magic of this behavioral standard is that, with the variable of human support turned into a robust constant during implementation, the decision is given an optimal environment in which to take root, blossom and succeed.  

The magic continues in the sense that, because the unity of the members is intact, when any sub-optimal aspects of the decision start to be noticed (for very few decisions are perfect out of the chute), the members can return to the decision-making table, discuss the situation without recriminations, and make tweaks to the decision that help it better adapt to the implementation realities being experienced.  Then the members can wholeheartedly support that tweaked decision.  In other words, the ideal environment for continuous improvement is established.

This behavioral standard alone contributes greatly to the superior results generated by Compassionate Consultation decisions—whether in government, institutions, businesses, communities, marriages or families.  This and the other behavioral standards for CC are thoroughly explained in Jean’s and my second book, TRANSFORMED: How to Make the Decisions That Change Your Life.  To dramatically improve your decision-making skills and your implementation results, read the book and apply its principles.  The world will thank you.

Why Compassionate Consultation Begins With Praying For Divine Guidance

By Bill Harley

In our book, TRANSFORMED: How to Make the Decisions That Change Your Life, Jean and I explore a powerful decision-making process for groups or individuals called Compassionate Consultation (CC).  CC is transformative; it changes the equation; it reframes the reality and truth of any given situation.  That is why it leads to such robust, wise, effective, just and unifying decisions.

The process begins with Step 1: Praying for Divine Guidance.  It’s an easy step to forget or omit.  We can inadvertently forget it because our environments are often not in the habit of including prayer in the deliberative agenda.  We can consciously omit it because it may not seem politically correct in many group settings.  However, if we want to access the transformative power of this process, we can’t forget or omit it.

Think of it this way.  We know people who have very strong faith in a higher power; nevertheless, they are sometimes troubled by pangs of doubt.  We also know people who are very strong doubters; nevertheless, they are sometimes troubled by pangs of faith.  All of us moment-to-moment will find ourselves somewhere on a continuum that stretches from “Total Doubt” at one end to “Total Faith” on the other.  Welcome to the club!  All that is needed to honor Step 1 in the CC deliberation process is willingness to call on a higher power for assistance with the thought, “What can it hurt?”

If we look to scriptural guidance, we find that God has wanted to be an invited contributor to human deliberations from ancient times to the present time.  In the ancient Book of Isaiah, we find the words, “Come now, and let us reason together, saith the Lord”.  And in recent times the Bahá’í Scriptures indicate that a requirement for the use of Compassionate Consultation is that “They must when coming together turn their faces to the Kingdom on High and ask aid from the Realm of Glory”.

If you think about it, most deliberative environments in the world today are sadly lacking in two key ingredients that are required for transformative decision-making: humility and open-mindedness.  And these two attributes are fostered in human beings when they pray for assistance to a higher power.  In the words of Bahá’u’lláh who brought the CC process to humanity, God is the One “…before Whose wisdom the wise falleth short and faileth, before Whose knowledge the learned confesseth his ignorance, before Whose might the strong waxeth weak, before Whose wealth the rich testifieth to his poverty, before Whose light the enlightened is lost in darkness….”  

Who could afford not to request assistance and guidance from such a Being during deliberations?  And who could resist feelings of increased humility and open-mindedness in the face of such infinite capacity?  These are a few of the reasons that Compassionate Consultation begins with “Praying for Divine Guidance”.

To learn more reasons and about additional steps in this transformative decision-making method, see our book, TRANSFORMED: How to Make the Decisions That Change Your Life.

Compassionate Consultation Between Parent And Child

By Laura Harley

Note from Bill and Jean: One of our daughters, Laura Harley, is sharing a guest post here today.  Laura has her own life coaching practice and helps her clients practice the concepts in our books. This post is one in a series in which Laura shares examples of how her young family uses Compassionate Consultation (which is the subject of our second book, TRANSFORMED) to solve problems and make decisions. We know many families are striving to do the same and hope examples like this are useful!

In my last posts, I described a time our family of four used the process of Compassionate Consultation (CC) together, as well as a time I used CC with both of my children.  Today I’m sharing an example in which my 7-year-old son, Daniel, and I used CC.

Here’s the backstory.  We homeschool our children and Daniel and I have been struggling with some of his morning lessons.  He much prefers child-led, interest-based learning and we make time for a lot of that in our homeschool.  But I also feel the need to make sure core subjects are covered, and so we do need some more structured lesson time each day.  Our challenge has been that lately Daniel feels impatient and negative when we do our more structured lessons and this makes me feel impatient, too.  We both really wanted to find a solution to our challenge, and so I told him I’d like to use CC with him.

As all parents know, life with kids can be busy and chaotic and this morning was no exception.  One of the challenges with using CC in a family is finding the time and space to do it in a focused way.  This particular morning, I saw that my 4-year-old daughter was occupied with a game that generally holds her attention for 10-15 minutes, so I took the opportunity to talk with my son.  We were going somewhere later that morning, and I hadn’t had a chance to brush my teeth or comb my hair, so I asked him to come with me to the bathroom while I did those things.  Ideally, I would have liked to sit down with him in a more focused way to use CC, but I’ve learned that if I keep putting it off until I find a peaceful time to do it, it almost never happens!  So, we’ve been trying to use CC even amidst the chaos.

OK, so back to the process.  As a review, below is one of the CC models our family has been practicing that is introduced in the book, TRANSFORMED.  The model is not rigid; and we often use the steps out of order and sometimes don’t complete the whole process in one sitting.  We do what we can, when we can.

6-Step Model of Compassionate Consultation (get a free printable of these steps here)

1.  Pray for divine guidance

2.  Identify and agree on the facts*

3.  Identify and agree on the issue*

4.  Identify and agree on the spiritual principles involved

5.  Identify and agree on the solutions

6.  Identify and agree on the implementation steps

*Steps 2 and 3 may be reversed as needed

Note: For more information about this and other CC models, examples of how to use them, the CC behavioral standards and much more, read TRANSFORMED: How to Make the Decisions That Change Your Life.

In this instance I said something like, “Daniel, you know how we’ve been struggling with our structured morning lessons?  You’ve not been enjoying it and then I become impatient and it’s kind of miserable for both of us?”  Of course he knew just what I was talking about.  I asked him to use CC with me about this to see if we could come up with some ideas to make it better.  He really liked that I wanted to work with him on this.  Kids often feel honored when their parents ask them to collaborate to find solutions and they are eager to work together (that is, if the parent genuinely wants to work together and hear their ideas!).

I suggested we start by praying for assistance together and recited short prayer.  When I was finished, Daniel spontaneously said the prayer, too.  It was really sweet!

Then I jumped to step 4, identifying and agreeing on the spiritual principles involved.  I find that when consulting with kids, going to this step early on can be really helpful.  Children tend to be truly in touch with the essence and heart of things, so they can connect really well with this step.  This step is also very helpful for me as a parent.  Because I’m often trying to attend to many things at once, and because the many details of the day can put me in a state of “just get things done and attend to everyone”, identifying the spiritual principles involved dilates my heart, slows me down, and gets me focused on what is most important.

Next I said, “So what are some of the spiritual principles involved here?  Hmmm…..I’m thinking here of joy---that we’d both like to feel joyful when we are together and when we are learning.  What do you think?”  He agreed and was quiet for a couple moments.  Then I said, “I also think patience is important here.  I want to be more patient with you and I want to support you in learning how to be patient with the things we need to do.”  He nodded.  I asked, “What are any other ideas?”  He said, “Kindness!  I want to be kind to you and I want you to be kind to me.”  Well, as you can imagine, this brought tears to my eyes.  He had captured the essence of our challenge so beautifully and powerfully!  Could anything be more important than us being kind to each other?  I thanked him and agreed wholeheartedly.  Then we hugged ☺

Then I said, “Ok, so what are some of the facts involved here?  For example, we know we have to get certain lessons done each day.  And we know you haven’t been loving how that’s been going.”  He agreed.  I asked him, “What are some other facts?” And when that question didn’t lead to ideas from him, I asked another question to encourage his ideas.  I asked, “When you think about this situation, what do you want to have happen?”  He said, “I just want more time to work on my other projects.  I always feel like I’m not getting to them.”  I asked, “So when we are working on structured lessons, are you kind of counting down the time until you can get to those other things?”  He said, “Yes!  Always!”  It seemed like a relief to him to understand that and to share that with me.  I acknowledged that and said that must feel frustrating for him.  I also talked with him about state requirements for homeschools and showed him the records I need to keep on what we work on, so that he could understand why I was asking him to do certain lessons.  We also talked about how important learning a range of things is.  

Since we had talked about a lot of facts at that point, it felt like it was time to move to the “identify and agree on solutions” step.  You may notice I skipped over the “identify and agree on the issue” step.  This was partially because it felt like we both understood the issue pretty well and also because I knew our time would be quite limited as my daughter was starting to show signs of wanting my attention.

So I said, “OK, so given these facts and spiritual principles we’ve agreed upon, what are any ideas we have about how to make things better?”  To be honest, I felt a little worried at this point since I wasn’t sure what to do to make things better and I didn’t think he knew what to do either.  But this is where I reminded myself to trust the process.  The Baha'i Writings (the source material for CC), encourage us to use Consultation in all things, not just those things that we as parents already have ideas on how to solve!

We thought in silence for a few minutes and then I had an idea.  I said, “Would it help if you knew exactly what we need to get through each time so you have a better idea of when we’ll be done?”  He said, “Maybe, but I am not sure what you mean”.  So I showed him how I could make a checklist of the things we need to learn each day so he could feel more in control of his time.  He liked this idea, but neither of us was sure how much of a difference it would actually make in practice.

At this point, my daughter needed my attention and I could see we needed to wrap up.  So I thanked him for talking with me and said I was so glad we talked.  I told him I felt like I understood much better how he was feeling.  He was happy we talked and we both felt closer.  I suggested we keep trying various solutions and checking in to see how things were working (or not working).  He agreed and happily skipped off to play.  He seemed to feel lighter already!

Since then, we tried the checklist which helped.  And a few days later, while thinking about our Compassionate Consultation together and doing some research, I came across a different kind of homeschooling approach that seemed like it might be a better fit for Daniel’s interests and learning style.  In effect, I discovered some new facts which could turn into a new solution.  We tested the new approach by starting to use it; and so far it is working well.  I feel that discovering this was directly linked to the steps Daniel and I took in our CC process.  The prayers for divine assistance we said in Step 1 and the interpenetration of our ideas in subsequent steps resulted in confirmations both during and after the CC process.

Some of my key learnings from this experience include:

• It is ok to use CC even when the time doesn’t seem “ideal” to do so.  Even when we are in a hurry, even when I feel worried about how it will go, even when we feel stuck during the process at times, CC is still effective.  Even if we can’t finish the process in one sitting or aren’t able to come up with a solution right then, the process creates such a respectful connection that we build greater love and understanding between us and “set the stage” for the next time we come together to work through challenges.
• Using CC with children is powerful.  Our Consultations together help Daniel feel that I truly care about his ideas and that our relationship is important to me.  And that (more than any solution we find) is what is most important for our learning and our family. 
• Using CC helps everyone focus on what is most important, which makes navigating challenges much easier, more meaningful, and more unifying.

I hope this example of how CC can look is useful.  We’d love to hear how the process is working for you and your family.  We welcome your questions and stories!  Feel free to comment below.

For more examples of CC applications with couples, families and other groups, read TRANSFORMED: How to Make the Decisions That Change Your Life

Sibling Conflict? Try Compassionate Consultation!

By Laura Harley

Note from Bill and Jean: One of our daughters, Laura Harley, is sharing a guest post here today.  Laura has her own life coaching practice and helps her clients practice the concepts in our books. This post is one in a series in which Laura shares examples of how her young family uses Compassionate Consultation (which is the subject of our second book, TRANSFORMED) to solve problems and make decisions. We know many families are striving to do the same and hope examples like this are useful!

My 7-year-old and newly-turned-4-year-old were happily playing a game of “superheroes to the rescue”.  I was gladly taking this rare moment while they were both occupied to check my email.  And then I heard what all parents dread----the beginnings of a big argument: whining, yelling and fussing.  Ugh!  When this sort of thing happens, I like to wait a while to see if they can work it out on their own.  But this time they were both very upset and unable to move forward, so I decided to see if using Compassionate Consultation with them would be useful.

Compassionate Consultation (CC) is a decision-making and problem-solving methodology that brings unity, understanding, healing, and growth to individuals, couples, families and groups.  Originally brought to humanity by Bahá’u’lláh, the 19th-Century Prophet-Founder of the Bahá’í Faith, Consultation is a process anyone can utilize with beautiful results.  In their book, TRANSFORMED: How To Make The Decisions That Change Your Life, my parents describe different models of Compassionate Consultation, one of which is called the 6-Step Model.  The steps of this model are as follows:

6-Step Model of Compassionate Consultation (click here to get a free printable of these steps)

1.  Pray for divine guidance

2.  Identify and agree on the facts*

3.  Identify and agree on the issue*

4.  Identify and agree on the spiritual principles involved

5.  Identify and agree on the solutions

6.  Identify and agree on the implementation steps

*Steps 2 and 3 may be reversed as needed

Note: For more information about this and other CC models, examples of how to use them, the CC behavioral standards and much more, read TRANSFORMED: How to Make the Decisions That Change Your Life.

OK, so back to our little family meltdown.  First I asked my kiddos what happened and learned that my daughter, Kira (age 4), wanted to play with a certain toy, and my son, Daniel (age 7), also wanted to use it.  My daughter was very upset saying that it was the only thing she wanted to use and if she couldn’t use it, she didn’t want to play anymore.  She was on the verge of tears.  My son also felt quite upset.

I said, “OK, I know you are both feeling really upset.  Let’s come together to use Compassionate Consultation and find a solution to this problem.”  I reflected back to them what I heard them saying the problem was and how each felt.  This was my brief attempt at Step 2, identifying and agreeing on the facts, and Step 3, identifying and agreeing on the issue, of the CC model.  They both nodded that what I said was accurate.

Then I realized that in the chaos of the moment, I had skipped the very important first step of the model: saying a prayer to ask for divine guidance. So I said, “OK, let’s say a prayer to ask God’s help with this.”  At this point my upset kiddos weren’t sure if they were on board with me.  My daughter walked few feet away from me with her back turned and my son went into the bathroom to get something.  I was left alone in the hallway, unsure what to do next.  Since they were both so upset, I knew that if I pressured them to sit quietly and listen to the prayer reverently, the whole process might get derailed.  And since they were both still within a couple of feet of me, I knew that they would be able to hear me if I recited a prayer.   So I decided to just keep going; and I recited a short prayer. 

Afterwards, I made an initial attempt at Step 5 of the CC model, identifying and agreeing on the solutions.  I said, “OK guys, come on over here.  Let’s figure this out.  How can we make this better together?”  They slowly came over to me.  My son (who is generally quite tolerant and generous with his little sister) offered, “I could play with something else and she could use it, but I still want to use it sometime.”  I said, “Thanks for offering to let her play with it for a while.  Isn’t that kind, Kira?”  Then I said, “It sounds, though, like Daniel would still really like to have a chance to play with it too.”  Kira was still holding tight to the toy.  

This reminded me that we needed to do Step 4, identifying and agreeing on the spiritual principles involved.  I said, “If we think about the spiritual principles of kindness, generosity, fairness and how much we love each other, how can we find a solution?”  To my great surprise, my usually very feisty 4-year old said, “Daniel could use it when we get to Level 2 of our game.”  The spiritual principles had inspired her to step back into Step 5 and offer a creative solution----there would be “levels” to the game and that way they could both get a turn!  My son was happy with this solution and we thanked Kira for her idea.  I complimented them both on reaching what sounded like a very kind and fair solution; and then they went back to playing.

We hadn’t formally done Step 6, identifying and agreeing on the implementation steps; but I listened from a distance to see how things would go as they implemented their decision—and especially what would happen when they actually reached “Level 2”.  After a while of playing I heard my son say, “Its level 2!” and Kira immediately dropped the toy so he could play with it.  So far, so good.  But then she went looking for another toy to play with and was not happy with her options; so she became tearful and said she didn’t want to play their game anymore.  I tried to help her find an alternative toy, but she insisted she still didn’t like any of those options.  Meanwhile, Daniel had had a chance to play with the exchanged toy for a while and he said she could play with it again because now he wanted to play with something different.   

Now, this offer of Daniel’s was very kind, but I wanted to make sure Kira would learn to follow through on her commitments. So I said, “Thank you Daniel, but it’s important that Kira learns to do what she says she’s going to do.  So you can still play with that toy if you like.”  But Daniel insisted he was done and she could have it; and he seemed genuine to me in his feelings about being finished with it.  So I said, “OK, well thank you, Daniel.  Kira, can you thank him?”  She thanked him and then I said, “OK, Kira, so that worked out fine this time, but next time he may not feel finished with something you want to play with.  When that happens, we need to do what we said we would do and let him play longer with it, even if you feel unhappy about it.”  She agreed and they went back to playing.

Some of my key learnings from this experience include:

• This process is amazingly effective, even for young children.  Even when we do it imperfectly, even when we say a prayer hurriedly and our kids seem distracted, the process has the effect of dilating everyone’s hearts, opening us to divine guidance, softening hard feelings, and enabling all to arrive at effective and unifying solutions.
• Although it is important to know the steps in the model and strive to include them all, it is ok when we are unable to do so.  Even doing the steps out of order or leaving some out entirely gets better results than not using any at all.
• It takes practice to be able to come up with a solution together AND follow through with it.  With time and practice, I trust we will build our skills and get better at this.  
• No matter how messily we use the 6-Step CC Model, I feel it is helping all of us learn to work together in unity, turn to God for guidance, practice coming from our higher natures and reach higher quality decisions.  These are invaluable skills for ALL of us; and I want my children to learn these skills in the family so that they can bring them to the families, workplaces and communities that they co-create with others in the future.
• I still like to give my children the space to work out their differences on their own whenever possible, and I have noticed that the more we practice CC, the more they incorporate parts of it into their interactions (even when I'm not a part of those interactions).

In my next post, I will share what CC can look like in an interaction between one parent and one child.  You may also be interested in my introductory post about the 6-Step Model and my post about using CC in our family of four.

I hope this example of how CC can look is useful.  We’d love to hear how the process is working for you and your family.  We welcome your questions and stories!  Feel free to comment below.

For more examples of CC applications with couples, families and other groups, read TRANSFORMED: How to Make the Decisions That Change Your Life

Using Compassionate Consultation In A Family With Young Children

By Laura Harley

Note from Bill and Jean: One of our daughters, Laura Harley, is sharing a guest post here today.  Laura has her own life coaching practice and helps her clients practice the concepts in our books.  This post is one in a series in which Laura shares examples of how her young family uses Compassionate Consultation (which is the subject of our second book, TRANSFORMED) to solve problems and make decisions.  We know many families are striving to do the same and hope examples like this are useful!

In my last post, I shared a brief introduction to the process of using Compassionate Consultation (CC) in the family.  It is very important to my husband, Teddy, and I that our children see us using CC as a couple; and that they also experience the four of us using it regularly as a family to solve problems.  It’s been amazing to us how the process can work beautifully even with children as young as ours participating (our son is 7 and our daughter is 4). 

Following the steps of the 6-Step Model of Compassionate Consultation introduced in TRANSFORMED: How to Make the Decisions That Change Your Life has really helped us understand the process and made it easier to apply in our daily lives.  We don’t always follow all the steps, and sometimes we change the order of the steps, but having them as inspiration and guidance is very helpful.  The steps of this CC model are as follows (click here to get a free printable of these steps):

The 6-Step Model of Compassionate Consultation

1.  Pray for divine guidance

2.  Identify and agree on the facts*

3.  Identify and agree on the issue*

4.  Identify and agree on the spiritual principles involved

5.  Identify and agree on the solutions

6.  Identify and agree on the implementation steps

*Steps 2 and 3 may be reversed as needed.

Here’s one recent example of how our family used this process.

My husband sustained a foot injury that left him very sore and limping.  This happened at a time that was sub-optimal: while we were on our once-a-year vacation with two small children in a place that required LOTS of walking.   My husband and I were feeling stressed about this (and all the other little things that are stressful about vacations with young children) and we were being impatient with each other.  When we tried to talk about how we should deal with his injury, we kept getting into an unhelpful cycle of him telling me what he planned to do, and me saying I felt worried that maybe he should have a different approach. 

He said this injury felt a lot like one he’d had in the past and he wanted to do what helped him in that situation: getting compression therapy.  I felt worried about this as he seemed to be in worse shape than last time and I thought he should go to a doctor and get an x-ray before proceeding.  I was also trying to picture how I could handle two small kids on this vacation without his help if he got worse due to us making the “wrong” decision.  As often happens in relationships, especially when we are stressed, each of us kept holding to our viewpoints harder while getting nowhere in terms of a solution we could both feel good about.  We had one of those moments where we stopped, looked at our kids, and realized they were watching us with wide eyes, sensing our tension.

Thankfully, we realized this would be a great time to use CC.  We told the kids we needed to work together to solve a problem and explained we’d be using CC.  

Since Step 1 is to pray for divine guidance, I explained it would be helpful to first ask God for help as we worked together, and I recited a short prayer from the Bahá’í Writings.  Our children listened and afterwards we got out some quiet things for them to play with; our son played with Legos and our daughter played with Play-Doh.  We knew that at their ages (4 and 7), the CC process can sometimes feel long (even if it’s only 20 minutes total) and we’ve learned that it’s helpful to have them occupied with something while we talk.  This allows them to listen and participate here-and-there while also allowing my husband and me enough time to really talk without constant interruptions. 

When everyone was settled, we jumped to Step 4, identifying and agreeing on the spiritual principles involved.  I said, “Hmmm….well, I think one of the spiritual principles involved is Daddy’s joy.  We want him to have a nice time on our trip.  And we want him to heal and feel better.”  The kids nodded and continued playing and listening.  They didn’t add anything here, they really just listened.  This is still a new process for us as a family, so a lot of what we are doing is just modeling us attempting the process and learning as we go.  My husband and I mentioned some other spiritual principles, too, such as being kind to each other and finding a solution everyone could unify behind.  After our prayer and talking about spiritual principles, we all felt considerably calmer about our challenge.  The energy in our family system had really changed.

Then we moved back to Step 2, identifying and agreeing on the facts involved.  I said, “Well, we know Daddy’s foot is hurt and he is in pain.  We also know it feels a lot like an earlier injury he had.  Another fact is that Daddy wants to try compression therapy.”  My son (age 7) said, “What’s compression therapy?”  And then my husband explained it to him.  During his description of the process, I also learned some new things!  Now that we weren’t in a state of tension and conflict, my husband was able to share more objectively about the process and I was able to really hear him better.  

This approach of identifying the facts in a calm and dispassionate way feels VERY different than the tension and “stuckness” of an argument.  As we talked about the facts, I realized what was bothering me most about the idea of compression therapy: it sounded painful, and I worried that if Teddy did have a bone break, compressing the foot could be dangerous.  When I explained my concerns to him in more depth, and without a lot of stressful emotion behind them, he was able to really hear me and respond to my concerns.  He explained more about the process to us and we did some quick online research. I realized my concerns were actually unfounded----the therapy would not harm even a bone break.  We continued to talk about facts for a while.

At this point, I felt like I really understood more about compression therapy and how it could help.  I also felt understood---I’d been able to share my concerns and instead of feeling unheard and brushed off, I felt like Teddy really heard me and addressed my concerns directly.  All the while our kids listened and played, and occasionally asked questions.  Of course, there were also periodic exclamations of totally unrelated things (“Mom!  Look at what I made!” or “Daddy, where did my blue Lego go?”) ☺.  But this set-up and process helped us have enough time and space to really talk and deepen understanding.

Next we were able to quickly move to Steps 5 and 6, identifying and agreeing on solutions and implementation steps respectively (we skipped Step 3 because we assumed we knew what the issue was).  At this point, it seemed like we were all on the same page about the solution.  To check that out, I said, “After learning more about compression therapy, I understand the reasons it could help, and I think it would be good for Daddy to give it a try.  What do you all think?” All four of us agreed.  Next we moved on to implementation steps.  Our plan was for me to play with the kiddos while Teddy researched and called clinics to make an appointment for as soon as possible.

In case you are curious, the compression therapy did help a lot, although we still had many adventures along the way since injuries take time to heal.  Let’s just say I learned how to push my entire family in one wheelchair, as it often doubled as a stroller!  All in all, we had a great time on vacation and Teddy’s foot is much better now.

Some of my key learnings from this experience include:

• Although it is important to know the steps in the model and strive to include them all, it is OK when we are unable to do so.  Even doing the steps out of order or leaving some out entirely gets better results than not using any at all.
• Even when we use CC in a hurried manner, even when we feel as if we are doing it very “messily”, it is still very effective and helpful.  It helps us step away from tension, operate from a respectful and more peaceful place inside, and communicate in a more unifying way.
• Even when we think our kids are not paying attention, they absorb a lot and learn a lot when we use CC.  They can feel the peaceful atmosphere and learn that, even when things are stressful, there are tools to help us work through challenges respectfully and in unity.  Developing these skills prepares all of us to be better family members and citizens.

I hope this example of how CC can look is useful.  We’d love to hear how the process is working for you and your family.  We welcome your questions and stories!  Feel free to comment below.

You may also be interested in my post about using CC when siblings have a conflict.

For more examples of CC applications with couples, families and other groups, read TRANSFORMED: How to Make the Decisions That Change Your Life

A Brief Introduction To Compassionate Consultation In The Family

By Laura Harley

(Note from Bill and Jean: One of our daughters, Laura Harley, is sharing a guest post here today.  Laura has her own life coaching practice and helps her clients practice the concepts in our books. This post is one in a series in which Laura shares how her young family uses Compassionate Consultation (which is the subject of our second book, Transformed) to solve problems and make decisions.  We know many families are striving to do the same and hope this series is useful!  This post is a brief introduction to Compassionate Consultation (CC), but future posts will give real-life examples of how Laura’s family puts CC into practice.)

Compassionate Consultation (CC) is a decision-making and problem-solving methodology that brings increased understanding, unity, healing, and growth to individuals, couples, families and groups.  Originally brought to humanity by Bahá’u’lláh, the Prophet-Founder of the Bahá’í Faith, CC is a process anyone can utilize with beautiful results. 

In their second book, TRANSFORMED: How to Make the Decisions That Change Your Life, my parents explore CC in depth by examining its origins, the virtues we need to call upon in order to practice it most effectively, the process itself, many examples of CC in action, and different models of CC that have been developed.  My father is an organizational development consultant and personal and professional coach, and my mother is a psychotherapist.  They have used CC with individuals, couples, families, small and large groups, and within organizations with great success as described in their book.  They also used CC with my sister and me in our family as we grew up.  We learned a great deal about the process as we practiced it together, and now it is something I’m dedicated to using with my husband and children, too.

One of the CC models introduced in the book is called the 6-Step Model.  It is a very robust model and it is one that my husband and I use regularly in our family.  For today’s brief overview, here is a summary of the steps in the model (click here to download a free printable of these steps):

The 6-Step Model of Compassionate Consultation

1.  Pray for divine guidance

2.  Identify and agree on the facts*

3.  Identify and agree on the issue*

4.  Identify and agree on the spiritual principles involved

5.  Identify and agree on the solutions

6.  Identify and agree on the implementation steps

*Steps 2 and 3 may be reversed as needed.

How to apply each step in the process becomes more clear with practice (and may also be more clear as you read upcoming posts with real-life examples from our family), but here is a brief overview of each step.

Step 1 (pray for divine guidance) is about opening ourselves to assistance from our Creator.  In a family, this may mean sharing a prayer or scriptural reading together (from whatever faith tradition resonates most with that family).  This step is extremely helpful and important.  It helps us slow down, remember what’s most important, release tension, and put ourselves into a more humble, receptive and generous frame of mind.  (Note: even in families or settings where praying may not be appropriate for whatever reason, this step can still be partially utilized by taking a quiet moment to reflect on the oneness of humanity, the beauty of the natural world, or some other practice that helps each participant connect to their higher nature.)

Steps 2 and 3 (identify and agree on the facts and the issue respectively) are about helping us come together to make sure we are all on “the same page” as to what the problem is that we are trying to solve; and to share the facts we are aware of related to the problem.  This part of the process may be fairly simple and/or brief as when two children both want to play with the same toy; or it may be more complex as when a family wants to find a way to navigate an upcoming change of schools.  These steps provide an opportunity for everyone to share the facts, experiences, and emotions that relate to the topic.

Step 4 (identify and agree on the spiritual principles involved) is one of my favorite parts of this special process. Our family finds this can be a really powerful step for children.  Often we talk about how spiritual attributes like kindness, generosity, justice or patience apply in the situation at hand. This dilates everyone’s heart and helps us come from our best selves with each other.  It helps us focus on what is of ultimate importance.

Steps 5 and 6 (identify and agree on solution ideas and implementation steps respectively) are about finding solutions and creating a plan for implementing the solutions.  Again, this can be fairly simple or more complex depending on the situation.  But having these steps articulated in the model is so helpful; it’s amazing how easy it can be to come up with an idea for a solution but forget to figure out how to implement it!  And coming together in unity to decide on a solution and how to implement it is essential to the success of the solution and to preserving family connections.

In my next posts, I will be sharing specific examples of how our family uses this process.  My husband and I have two children, ages 4 and 7, and we strive to use CC often.  We certainly don’t follow the model perfectly, but that is one of the great things about it.  We can use the model as a guide, but adapt it to our needs.  For example, we don’t always use all the steps and sometimes we use the steps in a different order.  (And let’s be real here, sometimes life gets so hectic I can’t even remember the steps or the order!)  But the amazing thing is that no matter how “messily” we use the process, it always helps us better understand, learn and grow together as a family.  I can’t wait to share more examples and to hear yours as well as we all strive to learn about Compassionate Consultation together!

For more examples of CC applications with couples, families and other groups, read TRANSFORMED: How to Make the Decisions That Change Your Life

Your Higher & Lower Nature

By Bill Harley

One way of thinking about the ultimate purpose of life is for each of us to learn to have our Higher Nature (or True Self) in the lead with our Lower (or Animal) Nature subordinated.  For example, the Higher Nature/True Self tends to be patient; the Lower Nature tends to be impatient.  Using myself as an illustration, I generally tend to be a pretty patient person; however, when I am driving in dense traffic, my Lower Nature tends to get triggered, take the lead, and I become quite impatient.  This is an area in my life where I need to grow and I am working on it.

Some other characteristics of our two natures are as follows:

Lower Nature—attracted to worldly things; Higher Nature—attracted to spiritual things

Lower Nature—constricted heart; Higher Nature—dilated heart

Lower Nature—cunning; Higher Nature—sincerity

Lower Nature—pride; Higher Nature—humility

Lower Nature—disputation & contest; Higher Nature—harmony & teamwork

Lower Nature—hypocrisy; Higher Nature—authenticity & integrity

The world’s religious scriptures provide a compendium of analysis about the Higher and Lower Natures in human beings.  All of the Divine Messengers that have come to humanity through the ages have called out to the True Self/Higher Nature in people.  Each of these Messengers has suffered greatly because most of the people responded to them from their Lower Natures.

Today, most of us on the planet live in cultures that are materialistically-centered.  This means that the culture calls forth our Lower Nature; and this leads to a tremendous amount of unnecessary suffering.  To cultivate our True Self/Higher Nature today requires that we rise above our cultures and build spiritual infrastructure into our lives.  This is heroic work because when we do so, it speeds the coming of the emerging world civilization predicted by all the world’s major religious scriptures which will be spiritually-centered.  This means that the emerging culture will call forth our True Self/Higher Nature; and this will lead to a dramatic reduction in unnecessary suffering and the increase of joy, tranquility, vitality and advancement.

Some key aspects of the “spiritual infrastructure” referred to above are outlined in Jean’s and my two books.  If you honor the three ultimate purposes of life identified in Now That I’m Here, What Should I Be Doing, your True Self or Higher Nature will be drawn forth and your Lower Nature quieted.  If you use the 15 Wall-Seeking principles introduced in that same book to more effectively leverage the spiritual and social growth patterns designed into life by the Creator, you will increasingly come from your True Self/Higher Nature.  

Similarly, if you practice Compassionate Consultation (CC) decision-making and honor the 12 Behavioral Standards introduced in TRANSFORMED: How to Make the Decisions That Change Your Life, you will experience the invigoration of your Higher Nature and the de-energizing of your Lower Nature.

The world is in desperate need for more people who have their True Selves/Higher Natures in the lead.  If you’re ready to step-up to living more of your life from your True Self, read these two books; and please keep in touch regarding your progress applying the principles.  Jean and I will do the same.

What's Your Purpose In Life?

By Bill Harley

What is your purpose in life?  Why are you living the way you are living?

Some of the most common purposes for many of us may include things like getting an education, making a living, finding a significant other, making good friends, acquiring a home, having and raising children, having a career and enjoying life. 

However, the question I’m asking here relates more to ultimate purpose.  In the really big scheme of things, what is your purpose?

Because we live in cultures, this question is usually answered for us.  Culture can be defined as “the way we do things around here” and it has a huge influence on us.  There is your family culture, your community culture, your national culture—and all three cultures “do things” in such a way that they dictate certain values and behaviors to us. We notice what others are doing and valuing in these cultures and we tend to imitate the behavior and values of those around us.  This process usually happens without us giving much thought to the fact that we are not independently searching for the truth.

But what if you had the time and know-how to rise above these cultures and research the scriptures of all the world’s major religions—the ultimate repositories of guidance on life purpose—to find the answers?  And, having done so, what if you discovered a consensus in these scriptures on the ultimate purpose of life? 

Could it make a difference in the way you are living? 

Well, Jean and I have dedicated decades to doing this very research and are in awe of what we have learned in the process.  Here are three truths that can revolutionize the way we live our lives (which we share in detail in our books):

There is very clear consensus about the purpose of life in the world’s major religions;

There is also clear guidance about what is entailed in honoring the purpose of life;

And amazingly, there is a personal and collective decision-making process that we can use to optimize our fulfillment of the purpose of life on a daily basis.

Humanity has been given incredibly beautiful, powerful tools to transform our lives and relationships!    Are you willing to live even another day without them?

Learn more about these transformative truths and how to honor them in our first book, Now That I’m Here, What Should I Be Doing?  Then learn the decision-making process in our second book, TRANSFORMED: How to Make the Decisions That Change Your Life.